What have I been doing? Time has said it’s farewell to me. I am no longer holding on. It hurts. I’m letting go of my soul because I don’t know how not to let go. It’s like slipping through my fragile fingers; draining away all my blood along the way and I can’t stop it. Every bit of me is crumbling down. Help me.
If I focus on the happier side of my life, on the positive things that are happening, am I actually trying to ignore the fact that I am a sinner? Am I just trying to run away? What should I do? Smiling feels wrong; being happy feels wrong but they say life is too short to be sad, to live life negatively. Now tell me, what the fuck should I do?
I think all this while, the one thing I’ve been desperately wanting is for someone to ask if I was okay, if I’ve been good. I kind of grew tired of being the one listening. I should drop the act. I’m not okay. I’m totally a mess inside. Every day has been cold and numb and I really need someone to call me now and ask me if life has been good for me.
I could hear voices from my surrounding when it’s past midnight. Past midnight is the time when my brain stops functioning rationally, when I start to count my flaws over & over again, when my suicidal thinking is at its peak & when I don’t remember who am I before. I just want to hide from people but I’ll get lonely & I hate that I get lonely when I’m not around with people even when they make me feel sick, reckless & unwanted.
I have never known so much things. Haruki Murakami is really good in tossing around my feelings. Putting that aside; I think I just ruined a beautiful book but it seems that all these years, I have never been satisfied with the way I write in my journals. At the end of the day I usually find my beautiful notebooks torn apart when they barely taste the flavour of living.